Honesty

I would like to think I am an honest person. I know that there are times when I am not as truthful as I should be. Generally this happens when I want to protect someone. I often feel like this is right. I often feel like this is wrong. I guess it is a bit of a battle for me. 

Is it better to tell the truth and hurt someone? Sometimes. 

Is it better to keep something from someone to protect them? Sometimes.

This isn't just a battle in the way I treat others, it is an "in my heart" kind of battle too. I tell myself that I shouldn't tell someone how I really feel because they might not like me anymore, they might fight me on it, it might make my life more difficult--here I am seeking to protect myself. And yet it isn't really protection. I don't feel safe, I feel frustrated, conflicted and feeling like a hypocrite. 

If I really believe it, if it really matters to me shouldn't I be willingly sharing, talking, discussing these things. If they are the truth about me isn't it really a lie to just smile and not add a comment, or to add a comment that carefully beats around the bush to prod people to think in a different way? Again, protecting myself...

The funny thing I find is the people that I don't want to know the truth about me are those that I know too much truth about. They are more than willing to blab, often in belligerent and confrontational ways, the truth about what they think. They don't care who they hurt, or what others think--they'll tell you their politics, their opinions, their anger, their truth. Interesting.

If I am not honest with my opinion does that mean I am living a lie? Sometimes.

If I am honest about my opinions does that mean I am living the truth? Sometimes.

It isn't very black and white is it? But sharing life with people never is. And that is it, isn't it. I want to share life. I want to have a conversation. I don't like to have a debate. Conversation connotes relationship and debate connotes competition. There is a place for competition and I want to win at Wii Sports as much as anyone else. But when it comes to the truths in my life, the experiences, the values that I hold I want to have a relationship. I don't need to dominate, I don't need to point out someones errors, I don't need to win. To me, the truth I am talking about is not about winning, conquering, points or converts. 

Would I like people to believe that the poor matter? Of course. Would I like people to consider Jesus as the true representation of God to us on earth? I would lay my life down for it. Would I like people to work alongside me to rid the world of injustices, to free those that are in bondage, to grow in the likeness of God everyday? Yes, yes, yes. But I don't want to do that apart from community, relationship, and love. 

If I am true about who I am and what I believe people will certainly be put off. It doesn't matter how kind or generous I am. It won't count that I am longing for community. For those that want a debate they will find one. But I want to tell the truth about who I am in a way that births community and conversation. I want to be honest so that I don't have to feel like I am hiding who I am just so I don't rock the boat. 

If I really believe it and the boat gets rocked, maybe that is what is necessary for me to be authentic and for the world to change. Maybe I will find out that I am wrong, that's life. Maybe I will find out that I should have spoken up sooner, I know I will. But maybe I will find like minded people--not just those who agree with my points but that agree that sharing life is better than winning--wouldn't that be beautiful?

I am striving to be honest, to be real, it isn't going to be easy, but I imagine it will be freeing. I imagine that it will be scary. I imagine that it will be painful. But isn't that what community is? All of us, together, sharing life, sharing joy and pain, hope and loss. Altogether now, that sounds like true life.